Ooooh, I hate seeing movies that friends thought were great and that I'd rather have my eyes ripped out by snarling, rabid weasels before I'd ever look at again. Yep, I just saw "The 300". How to describe the terrible, terminal, unbearable, unbelievable awfulness of this movie. Dialogue? What dialogue? You mean, "We will die. Yes. We will. We will die. Happily. Yes, happily we will die"? You mean that? Characterisation? What characterisation? The brave king? That was it - he was brave. Not too bright, but brave. Anybody else? The traitorous guy on the city council? What was his beef? Xerxes?!? What was he - god of the self-mutilators?!? "Let's all get piercings and scare the hell out of those uppity Greeks!" Leapin' lizards - even the special effects (you know - the thing crap movies rely on to save them from being burned immediately?) were crap. How this hunk of terminal junk ever made it into theatres (production I can understand - it ain't the cream of the intellectual crop runnin' Hollywood) I'll never know. How it got cast is a mystery that only, perhaps, the mighty Zeus could solve. Zeus, as you know, had a pretty nasty sense of humour. Let's not forget, he chained Prometheus to a rock and arranged to have his liver torn out every day, and healed every night, just for stealing a wee bit of fire. Nutty guy. What did the "actors" in this thing do to piss him off?

If anyone calls you up and says, "Hey, I've rented "The 300", wanna come over and watch?", just explain that you've already booked a root canal, without anaesthesia, and you just can't miss it. Even if it were true, you'd have a better time.